Where is the 2010 horoscopes

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Aromagician
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Where is the 2010 horoscopes

Post by Aromagician »

Where oh where has Quinostante gone? I was looking for the 2010 horoscopes and thought she would have them here??
Anyone else?


Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination. ROY M GOODMAN
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Taurus
20 April - 20 May

Whilst occasionally malodorous, Taureans are reknowned for their good sense of humor and their ability to laugh at the strangest things, even funny horoscopes. Of particular use in a Taureans faculties, is his/her ability to pick winning lottery numbers. Regarding this, science tells us that Taureans are at least as likely as other lucky people to win often and plentifully. Taurus generally likes to think they have "lucky numbers" and they are usually between 1 and 20.

Most restaurants are owned by Taureans and some of these are very successful. Other popular occupations for Taureans include: teachers, doctors, waste-disposal-experts, climbers, builders, plumbers, computer programmers, funeral directors and Ronald McDonald impersonators.

Elves are all born Taureans due to the Elf mating season being only a few days long towards the end of July. This interesting fact means that the average height of the Taurus male is around 4ft 3in, whilst the female average is approximately 3ft 9in.

With a good sense of humor that works as an enabler against their height deficiency, Taureans are said to be excellent lovers but for some unknown reason, lousy dancers.

Gemini
21 May - 21 June

Gemini or "The Twins", is one of the more sensual of star-signs. This sensuality is often marred, however, by a random nervous twitch which most Geminiians are afflicted by. The twitch most often takes the form of an involuntary lashing of the tongue in what looks like an attempt to lick one's eyeball. Whilst this is not true of all Geminiians, for the rest of us it's a handy sign that allows us to initiate "Are you Gemini?" style chat-up lines.

Most astrologers agree that Gemini are born with a duality of nature. The stupid medical profession are known to mistake this fact for schizophrenia often leading to hilarious consequences. Clearly not all Gemini are thus afflicted, many are charming, social and intelligent characters who would not like to scoop out both your eyes with a spoon.

Gemini are often beset by illness due to a desire to take risks, linked with a highly competitive streak. Ordinarily when an aggressive and hairy biker suggests to one that it would be difficult to pick up your own teeth with a broken arm, most star-signs would agree and shirk the opportunity to find out. Geminiians on the other hand, are more likely to accept the bet and dive head-first into a nearby wall. Some astrologers have nicknamed this star sign the "Lemming Sign".

Dates are important to Geminiians and it is rare that a Gemini will ever forget a birthday, anniversary or any other occasion on which they can purposefully avoid sending a greeting card or present.


Cancer
22 June - 22 July

Cancer, "the sign of the crabs" is (somewhat) ironically one of the signs that is least likely to contract VD, and in other clinical studies it has come to light that Cancerians are also less likely than other star-signs to need to visit the doctor at all. One particular study did conclude, however, that this was mainly because the Cancerians involved died in a "snakes in a lift" incident before they had chance to contract any illness. Nonetheless, statistics clearly prove that Cancerians are amongst the healthiest of us all!

Television often plays an integral role in the cancerian lifestyle, either as a producer, an actor, or as an avid viewer. Whilst happy to involve themselves in the lives of others, vicariously through television, Cancerians are also very active in the game of life, and enjoy living "to the max". Cancerians are probably the best bunch of people to be around, although cynics will point out that this is because they'll do all the crazy funny stuff whilst we watch and laugh.

Everyone loves a Cancerian! It's true! - Cancerians are the most popular star-sign, nearly 70% of 12 people asked said they knew someone who was born in Cancer.

INTERESTING FACT!

In 1946, Russian Astrologer Yuri Papan suggested that Cancerians would be first against the wall when the revolution came. This was shortly before he fell down the stairs of his apartment, stairs which it turned out a Cancerian had installed.

The Cancerian's sense of humor (eg. "what is funny") is an interesting one. The average Cancerian can enjoy toilet humor or slapstick but generally Cancerians are likely to not have much of a sense of humour about a great many things, especially self deprecating humor regarding their inability to perform simple tasks or understand basic instructions. Most cancerians have a below average IQ but respond well to Pavlovian style experiments if training is required.


Leo
23 July - 22 August

Leo - the lion! Strong, powerful, masterly - the Leo has an awesome responsibility to take care of all of us, in the same way that Super Heroes have a responsibility to use their powers for good. Of course, some super-heroes go bad and turn into evil arch-enemies of the good super-heroes, and the same is true of Leo. Those born in Leo have a tendency to find themselves in trouble, they are as corruptible as they are powerful and will seek to gain an advantage in any way possible, either in business (for example, loansharking) or love (a relationship between two people).

The leo is a crafty lover, often saying one thing whilst thinking another (double-dealing, or back-stabbing), the leo is not to be trusted until you have broken down the outer wall which protects him. Leo's strength comes from holding his cards very much to his chest and whilst there is a soft layer underneath (like chewy caramel), the facade that most of us see is one that is tough (like a brick or stone).

Historically Leo has always been associated with greatness. Many of history's most powerful figures were born in Leo and, whilst ultimately they died (as we all must, you see) their legacy often lives on. Famous leos include: Patrick Swayze, Napoleon and Jerry Falwell.

Mentally Leo is a little hard of learning, often requiring more detailed explanations of simple things that most other star-signs easily grasp (which means "understand"). They also tend to need the toilet more often than most and are usually born with a bladder weakness that can affect them throughout their entire lives.


Virgo
23 August - 22 September

Virgo, "The Virgin", can be far from virginal and is often extremely outgoing, forthcoming and giving. Virgos are often found in the limelight, seeking attention and fame. However, all this comes at a price because Virgo are also the least well-to-do of the star signs, often impoverished and to be found lying on the streets in their own vomit and cheap booze. Virgo will always be up for any challenge but find themselves pushed too hard, too often and eventually burn out.

Virgo also enjoys gambling and is fortunate to not have too many possessions or money to waste on frivolity. Virgo is at least as lucky as unlucky.

Virgos are fair minded but irrational regarding certain things like war and peace, or fact and fiction. This duality of nature is similar to that of Geminii except for the rabid foaming-at-the-mouth kind of behaviour that you tend to see in Gemini if you happen to eat the last chocolate in the box.

Virgo are one of the most attractive star-signs, exuding a glow that deep-sea creatures would envy. Except that deep-sea creatures are very ugly of course, and Virgins are beautiful. Yes, glad that's clear.


Libra
23 September - 23 October

Librans are sometimes known to go in for wife/husband swapping, and "swinging" appears to be a popular activity amongst librans. Stopping the libran from being so liberal with his/her body can sometimes be a chore. Chains and ropes are likely to help in the short-run, but that's because they like the idea of dressing up and S&M.

Generally Librans are against things, which can make them pretty miserable and at the same time fairly interesting. Until they become tiresome. Other star-signs are known to feel about Librans that they're a "bit like my dad" when it comes to opinions.

Humiliation or embarrassment is not in a Libran's lexicon. Nor is "goat" or "leprechaun" - it's a bizarre-but-true blind spot with your average Libran.

Danger is around every corner for the Libran, and whilst it is usually a paranoia and not true at all, the Libran finds it very difficult to turn off that worried side of their persona. Which is understandable, really, because as far as we can tell, everyone is out to get them. However, paranoia only gets the Libran to stay, trapped forever, in the house - not a great problem in itself. No, it's more what drives him to shudder in the cupboard that remains a mystery.

The libran is disposed to walking naked around his/her dwelling, irrespective of the other members of the household's view or opinions. Interestingly, the Libran is also against the concept of curtains, which leads to the statistic that 94% of all librans have been arrested for "exposure".

Scorpio
24 October - 21 November

Scorpions are most often very prim and proper, not enjoying fart jokes or Calvin and Hobbes "pissing" pictures. Whilst they do a sense of humour, Scorpio is the star-sign most likely to use the phrase "I have a very good sense of humour, it's you that doesn't".

Whilst being one of the more uptight star-signs, Scorpio is also well endowed in the sexual areas. For men, this can be referenced in the pseudo-medical manner as "Trouser-Snakeage". For women, "Ample Breastage". Many Scorpions are also proud to have at their disposal, an almost insatiable appetite for love and are often quite overpowering in the giving and receiving of attentions.

Scorpio also tend to have a very poor sense of time, often losing it altogether. Whilst this does mean that Scorpions are one of the most likely star-signs to be late for a meeting, it also accounts for the alarming statistic that 47% of all recorded alien-abductees are Scorpions. 98% of those have reported losing time on their way to and from the alien's craft, whilst 21% of them pronounced upon landing that their "butt was sore".

All Scorpions are required by law to have a tattoo of a scorpion placed on the small of their back or on one of their shoulders.


Sagittarius
22 November - 21 December

Sagittarius is a star-sign that is well thought of amongst other zodiac signs. Well to do, intelligent and fit, are some words used to describe Sagittarians, for they are a formibable bunch.

Sagittarians are well known for their eloquence and plain speaking. Unfortunately, 4% of Sagittarians also suffer from tourettes syndrome, which can be a very bad combination for those who don't like hearing swears. However, most Sagittarians are excellent orators and are usually called upon to create the kinds of speeches that have gone down in history. In particular, Bill Pullman's Independence Day speech in the blockbuster film Independence Day is a stunning reminder to all sagittarians about "how it is done".

Whenever possible, Sagittarians have an astrological duty to blame Aries for all its troubles. Some astrologers will encourage you to "cake" an Aries whenever viable, and if possible, always have a cake on hand just in case. Historically, these warring constellations have had a star formation between the two them, in the shape of a cake. Some astrologers think it looked more like a bat.

Sagittarius are likely to be least offended when you mistake them for an aging rockstar, and most sagitarians are pleased that you noticed them at all.


Capricorn
22 December - 19 January

Capricornians - the most gentle of all the star signs, always ready to help a friend in need without secretly eyeing their partner or wallet. Capricorns are also particularly gifted when it comes to flag folding and often make the best Scouts.

When choosing a friend you can do no wrong in picking a Capricorn, they are always there when you need to mooch and even though they are wise fellows and will attempt to steer you in a positive direction, they are also weak willed and will bail you out as much as you need.

Capricorn also has a tendency, or penchant, towards hats. In a survey carried out by Laughsend, eight of the ten people we stopped in the street who were wearing hats, were all born Capricorn.

INTERESTING FACT!

The average Capricornian eats 12 pounds of radishes in one solar year, enough for a doozer population to create an entire city!


The most famous Capricorn is, of course, Jesus Harold Christ. Yes, I'm aware that the "Harold" is an old and tired joke, but my editor keeps hitting my needle arm and it's sore. I should probably explain by that that I've just had my tetanus and flu jab in the same area. Whilst this raises the bar somewhat for most Capricorns, it is also interesting to note that Mr Christ died during the time of Aries and should therefore be the natural enemy of Capricorn.


Aquarius
20 January - 18 February

Aquarians are one of the most liberated zodiac signs, as you might imagine. With their hearts free of fear and anxiety, they can instead fill them with love, desire and a need to replace their furniture every 6 to 8 months.

The other stark thing about the Aquarian is that they share many characteristics with Giraffes - long necks, a predeliction for grazing and a haughty look when you try to shoo them away from eating the leaves on your tallest trees.

Aquarians require love and devotion and will grow sulky and moping if not centre of attention. The best way to keep an Aquarian happy is to walk around with a flag that says "You're No. 1!" or "I can't believe my luck that I'm with you!". Aquarians will demand answers from you for questions that are designed to catch you out. The ubiquitous "Do I look fat in this?" or "Is he/she prettier than me?", for example - questions designed to make you feel like you're falling from a long height.


Pisces
19 February - 20 March

Pisces are to astrology what the Vulcans are to Star Trek. They are the peacekeepers, devoid of any true spirit, and least likely to form meaningful relationships. OK, Pisceans aren't all that bad, but they do tend to be the more mellow kind of people.

Ask a Piscean to pick you up from the floor after a stumble and you'll not only get the helping hand you desire, but a firm friend for life (unless you can confuse him/her by saying you don't believe in Pi - that always foxes them!). A piscaen is always ready with a friendly suggestion or apothegm, depending on the mood and is one of the more benign star-signs whilst driving.

Pisces is also one of the cleverer star signs, usually revelling in mathematics or logic. T-Shirt-Statistics.com has revealed to us that 100% of all T-Shirt sales with the logo "There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary, and those that don't" have all come from Pisceans.

We would all do well to behave like a Piscean every so often - the world would be a gentler place.


Aries
21 March - 19 April

Ariens are probably due for a bit of a come-back. During the 90s and the early part of the 00s, Aries was often the sign that everyone else blamed for their collective misfortunes. In particular, Saggitarians were encouraged to single out Ariens as the single reason they were an utter failure. Some astrologers even went so far as to incite cake-to-face related violence, as seen in this newspaper clipping. Kent Clark is currently on trial in the Phillipines for organising midget dog wrestling.

However, the revival is on its way and your being Arien is going to mean that you will command the respect and favours you deserve. In fact, you should probably begin by trying to make people address you as "Master" and signing off any emails with the words "Your Chief and Overlord, etc, etc". Aries is generally a happy-go-lucky type star sign who is not adverse to going off on wild tangents about wildebeast or blue flowers, nor from attempting heartfelt soliloquys whilst in a crowded lift. Aries is often creative and does like to meddle in other people's affairs - ranging from the re-organisation of the potted plants in a neighbours garden during the wee hours of the night, to the taking out of an advert in the local paper regarding your work colleagues (fictitious) home-brothel.

Although the majority of those born under Aries are good people, like any star-sign or McDonald's meal, there are also bad nuggets. If you yourself are a murderous psychopath you will know this to be true because, whilst you might not have been born an Arien, the voices in your head were.

It is said that the best way to make an Arien laugh is by jamming ones own hand into a jam jar and then appearing to struggle furiously in order to remove it. Others say that this is because Aries is the "silly sign" of the zodiac.
"I think I may have swine flu…….I've come out in rashers "

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Post by Ebikatsu »

dp :x damn snowflakes!
"I think I may have swine flu…….I've come out in rashers "

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Post by Christine »

Ok from your Mistress and overlady in command!!
We ariens are not the " silly " sign , we just happen to know when others are :)
We also according to vicsious rumour have the ability to be nastier than anyone else on the planet, oh and while i think of it we are damned bossy, so behave yourself Ebi!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol:
We are born leaders of men, we just havent worked out what to do about the women yet thats all!!
You get out of life what you are prepared to put in x
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Post by Ebikatsu »

and we are paranoid!!!
:cry:


they got the walking around naked in the house part right though :mrgreen:
"I think I may have swine flu…….I've come out in rashers "

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Post by Aromagician »

Have you the forecast for this year? Is it a good year for Saggitarius?
Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination. ROY M GOODMAN
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