A Forum Complaint

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A Forum Complaint

Post by DJKeefy » Sat Feb 18, 2012 3:45 pm

:lol: This was sent to my email account from what looks like one of those anonymous email accounts, at first I thought it was a real complaint, till I continued reading and relised it taking the **** out of some of our members (remember ive had little sleep in days), still I thought it was quite funny so I thought I would post it. :lol:

I wish to make the following complaints about your new design forums.

(a) I am as thick as pig **** and can’t figure out the buttons, so can you make them all bigger?

(b) I can’t spell and only type with my thumbs, so can you make the forum voice activated?

(c) I always wear a very large hat with a brim plus sunglasses when using the forum and find that the screen is not really bright enough, can you add a brightness button.

(d) Sometimes when I am very busy reading the forums I have ****** my pants as my bladder is not so good, is it possible to have a virtual urinal? Or a buzzer that tells me when to go for a ****? It would also be useful for those members who talk **** all the time.

(e) I am also blind as a ******* bat and can only see shades of Orange, is it possible to have the colours written on the screen so that I know which forum I am posting in?

(f) I never use Facebook, but can we have everything looking exactly like Facebook?

(g) Especially like the ‘Like’ & ‘Dislike’ buttons that they have on there, but they are not really expressive enough for me, can we have a ‘Like’ button and a "**** *** you are pissing me off you twat!" button?

(h) I also get very annoyed by the ‘censor’ software you have installed as it is unnecessary as I would never ever type crude words, so is it possible to have it set so that it inserts the crude words for me? So for example I could type in “top” and it would automatically insert the words “You ******* Twat” into my post?

(i) I was typing a long message when I pressed the back button, which took me 'Back', can you not make the back button submit a post instead of using the Submit button?

(j) I also noticed that you have a thing called 'Draft' what ******* use is that? it is cold enough where I live without adding any more drafts! You would have been better spending your time in making a section where we can store our posts somewhere until we are ready to submit them, you could call it something snappy like ............ er ............. "A place to store your posts until you are ready to post them" or another word that means the same as that.

God! do I have to tell you everything!

I hope that you will take my few comments a being constructive and not as complaints, I am still working my way through the alphabet so will post more later, but having spent months of your free time in designing this new forum and providing us all with somewhere to express our views, I think you could have done better.

Yours faithfully, an ungrateful git.

I see that my comments to you are not being taken seriously, so here are a few more observations:

(k) I do not like it when the rest of the world can read my posts, when I joined up at 4 am one morning there were only seven people using this forum and six of them were web bots and the other was a guy from Wales who thought it was a porn site, at this point I should use the word serendipity as that is how I discovered this site myself, but I digress. Am I to assume that you are so loose lipped that you allow just anyone in the world who has access to the internet to read this forum? I certainly hope not! I pride myself on being internet savvy and do not wish my posts to be shared on Twatter! Or BookCase!

(l) My main processor is the one used in a Casio calculator that I found dumped in a skip and I am currently using the Sinclair Amoeba 5 motherboard salvaged from a wheelchair, this gives me some problems with the graphics used on this site as anything above 2k causes my machine to crash. My internet access is via a piece of wire rigged into the back of a public phone box and only works when someone is making a phone call. Is it possible to post a picture of the main page on Flickr, then I can download it at the public library and paste it above my screen to save on bandwidth?

Because some have enquired as to why I used an anonymous post I am quite prepared to use my real name.

Best regards
I.P. Freely (alias ungrateful git)

More problems with your poxy forum! Please update my previous list!

(m) Can you move the User Control Panel further away from the New Message button?
I was pressing really hard on the New Message button with my mouse pointer to see if it was working properly, which it obviously isn’t because I have had no sodding messages whatsoever in all the time I have been a troll on your forum! (no doubt another **** up on your part) At this point my left mouse button broke and I clicked on the User Control Panel button by mistake, this took me to another site altogether where I was asked about my preferences when I am bored. Well Mr Smarty Pants it just so happened that I was really bored so I clicked about in this new site and found lots of extra buttons to play around with, but I made a start with the one for Friends and Foes. I immediately decided to add all of the miserable ******* on here en mass to my Foes list just to be sure, so that just left you as my only friend, hence me writing to you personally.

Next I moved on to Edit Avatars which appealed to me as I hated the ******* film anyway and could not wait to chop some bits out of it. It was nearly as bad as that crap film Moby **** which I initially thought was a porn film until my mate said it was all about Wales, well obviously I didn’t watch it as I can’t stand them miserable Welsh ******* either. Nearly as bad as the bloody Jocks, living everywhere else in the world and always singing about how ******* good it is in Scotland! And please don’t get me going about the bloody Geordies and Cockneys, nearly as bad as them gits from Lancashire and Yorkshire, I mean, how can there be peace in the world with all these intolerant ******* about! If there’s one thing I cant stand its bigotry.

Which brings me to the next question “why are you using American measurements instead of British?” What exactly is a pissing PIXEL? How am I supposed to know how big 100 x 100 Pixels is? Or are you just showing off and being all Arty Farty? so what exactly would that be in proper inches then? The size is also very confusing, what the **** is a Kib? My mate says it may stand for Trilobite which I know is one of those fossil fuels they keep talking about, so on that basis I would like to use a picture of a Tyrannosaurus Rex as my forum armature. It is only 15.6 Mb which is substantially less than the 24.41 Kib you chose to limit us to and that leaves me with 8.81 thingies to play around with, but you can keep them towards moving the button for me.

P.S. When is the next meeting at Sinbad’s and do you personally pay for all the beer when we meet up? If not, then do I get a discounts if I produce my student card like all those pensioners who live there?

Regards, I P Freely

You see! I told you your forum was crap! There are people on here searching for my earlier posts that you in your wisdom saw fit to share with all and sundry, but its like casting pearls before swine as far as I’m concerned. ( no doubt you will censor that bit out because you lot don’t eat bacon, but I don’t give a **** anyway). So instead of just sitting on your fat Arse all day how about sorting some problems out, it may be your birthday, but so what? We don’t pay you to **** about all day enjoying yourself when we have problems that need sorting out. That REPORT button for example, the ones next to the little Pizza Hut thingy, (another useless flourish on your part) I saw something the other day that I strongly objected too as it contained all sorts of references to a topic very dear to my heart, ergo my social security payments, mobility allowance etc. all of which I need to pay for my holidays to Luxor as the money from my full time job is needed to fund my investment portfolio and my general day to day living expenses. So I pressed the REPORT button and got a reply from someone calling themselves a ******* Terminator and asking if I wanted to be erased or deleted, well **** that for a game of soldiers! I shut down my PC immediately, I wont be pressing that sodding button ever again! So is it not possible to just give us all your private telephone number then we can phone you at all hours to complain about things we don’t like rather than just sitting and sulking to ourselves?

And what’s all this ******** about COOKIES? This is where your ineptitude really shines through, “get rid of the Cookies you cry, get rid of the Cookies” that’s all we ever hear from you! Personally I get ****** off enough with this forum not working properly without me having to stuff a packet of ******* Chocolate Hobnobs down my neck at the same time! Why do you not listen to experienced Web Nerds like myself who know all about Ethernet programming, and 3.5” Floppy *****. In fact I have just upgraded to a phosphorous, monochrome monitor so I can now view your forum in Green, so don’t spare the graphic content, I’m well ahead of most of your members on the technology front.

Now that Warden thing they all keep banging on about, the sooner they get one the ******* better in my opinion, far to many old dogs running about Luxor and shitting everywhere they go, so a bit of control would be useful, how about castrating the males and neutering the bitches? Mind you the wardens here are a waste of space, they are supposed to come around every morning and see to us, but they don’t, you just try typing with your ******* arms strapped at your sides and gripping a pencil between your teeth.

I do like all the repartee that we get on this site, I always consider it is an art form in itself that often gets overlooked and should be used to gently spar with your opponent by throwing little witticisms at each other. So instead of getting all upset a little bit of banter and repartee can often diffuse a tense situation. For example, the other day one of the wardens said to me as he loosened the straps on my jacket “Sorry I’m late, I got tied up”

So quick as a flash I said to him ………. “**** ***”

I was thinking of actually joining your poxy site, but now I cant be arsed.
Anyway, Happy Birthday

Your friend, IP Freely

PS your Pizza Hut button doesn’t work either, I ordered a Margarita while reading a very long thread, pressed the button and wham! top of the ******* page again.