IP Freely's New Year message

[DJKeefy]

Well mate it’s that time of the year again when we wish each other all the best for the following twelve months but reading some of the stuff on your poxy forum makes me wonder sometimes. I mean, they all lead such miserable ******* lives out there and then you out of the kindness of your heart put a bit of snow on the forum to cheer them all up at Christmas and what happens? I’ll tell you what happens mate! Half the miserable ******** want to know how to switch it off, I know what I would do with them mate, put a couple of ******* big snowdrifts up each side of the screen that should stop the moaning twats then ban the ********. And what’s all this crap about them not celebrating Christmas, too ******* tight no doubt to spend any of that DHSS money they all live on over there, tight as a ducks arse most of them and that’s ******* watertight. My heart bleeds for that Mumbai bloke trying to keep a restaurant going for them and they can’t even be arsed going there for a bit of Turkey on Christmas day, so he would have gone to all that trouble for sweet **** all, have you ever tried eating a whole ******* Turkey on your own? Well I have mate and it’s not a pleasant experience you could **** through the eye of a needle afterwards, mind you that happens to me most times I have eaten in Egypt.

It’s a wonder that Rian Ayre bloke hasn’t got the ****’s with all the sausage rolls and bacon butties he must get down his neck, that bloke would go to the opening of a packet of ******* crisps, I bet he eats a whole Turkey on his own so lets hope he doesn’t go to Mumbai’s place for his dinner or there will be **** all left if anyone else turns up. Mind you he does know a bit about Egypt and has a lot of really old books he has written and sells on his webnet, but places like Amazon and a few others ******** keep nicking his stuff and giving it away for fuckall which is a bit of a bummer really after all the time he spent writing them, no wonder he has to live off free food handouts, a bit like me really, but I nick mine from Tesco and Asda.

He does make a good point about that Malawi museum up at Aswan though, do you know how ******* far away Malawi actually is? I had to look it up on that Goggle Earth and its halfway down pissing Africa! How many ******* tourists are going to buy a ticket to go in that place then find out they have to travel 6,489 ******* miles to get there, you try doing that when you are on one of them 7 day Nile cruises matey and only stopping overnight in Aswank, no wonder you don’t get any ******* tourists.

I see that Custard Cream bloke has got himself a big chopper which is nice, cause with a name like Just-in he really should get himself something a bit bigger. Perhaps it will stop him going on about that old Banjer he was always complaining about, it probably needed a re-bore or had a leaky sump and that’s why he got rid of it, but I suppose he had to cut his cloth a bit and get himself a new bike instead of a car after being robbed of all his money, the silly twat. I bet he is really ****** off now though after going on about starting a cycling club to get in the polices good books and everyone saying what a good idea it is, so now he has to start one sometime this year or look a bit of a **** if he doesn’t start one. Mind you if its anything like those little ******** that ride around the school near my council flat I can see lots of problems, all those little twats with day-glo vests and tassel’s on their handle bars rushing out of the school gates at the same time for one.

I also see in one of them posts by that Grief Doctor woman that they are hijacking exprat’s in Egypt and then taking them to ATM’s to withdraw money! Well with any luck after reading the sob stories on here they may hijack Custard Cream and then feel so ******* sorry for him that they take him to a bank and deposit some money into his account. It’s always nice to see all the free advice that Grief hands out on this site, always useful to get it from the horses mouth so to speak, if I had not read some of her earlier posts on correct Egyptian etiquette I would still be walking around Luxor when I’m on holiday with my ******** hanging down the leg of my shorts and scratching my arse at the same time. Although sometimes I am finding it so hard with all this conflicting advice that Syph hands out on cultural interactions and how to behave properly in public that I am thinking of getting one of those Burkini tents that the women wear in preparation for my next visit, then at least I can scratch my arse and nuts with impunity. I can also talk to people without them knowing its me, just imagine Keefy, I can sneak up behind you wearing my tent and say “Sabah alkhair Keefy” and you nearly **** yourself and jump around but can’t see anyone except this black bag and you think to yourself “who the **** was that?” Then, like that Great Dane, I just blend in with the madding crowds to glide unnoticed and sylph like through the sucks of Luxor while ignoring everyone and sipping my mocha coffee and nibbling on thinly sliced ginger’s in aspic. But on a more serious note, why can Egyptian men scratch their balls on TV and in pubic, but a woman can’t even speak to a man in the street without being labelled a slapper? Control freaks or what? A bit of a contradiction in my not so humble opinion, but no different I suppose to the way they usually put the water pipe for filling the kettle in your hotel room right next to the crapper, then leave no ******* bog paper!

Talking of tents! What the **** was that woman wearing in that interview with Deena? At first I thought that they had set up a marquee with a big ******* Egyptian flag on it until the tent flap started talking, but the way they all sounded the same as each other when they talked I half expected to see Sooty with Harry Corbett’s hand up his arse to come on next. One thing I do have to agree with you on mate is all these tossers being interviewed referring to themselves as feeling safer than when they lived in England, what a crock of ****, I listened to both the tent people and that’s the best ******* South African or Rhodesian accent that kept creeping into the interview that I’ve heard for many a while. Mind you the sound was really crap and I bet me and my mate Douche Bag were thinking the same thing at the time, “never mind the ******* ugly sisters, get that camera on Deena’s arse” But come on now Keefy old mate, safer than Johannesburg or Harare? No ******* chance, those ******** living there would knife you for a Mars Bar or a Gingster’s pasty and since that Nelson Cinderella bloke died it will just get a lot worse believe me. Mind you I always liked the man but I was surprised to see that he was black and had both his eyes, he did his best for the country I suppose, but he should have stayed in the ******* Royal Navy.

Talking of the navy, I see that Custard Cream is giving away all his old clobber to his village peasants, now if that doesn’t put the tourists off I don’t know what will. There is enough hassle at the Valley of the Kinks without being harassed by some peasant wearing a Dickie bow and a kilt while trying to play the ******* bagpipes. But on a more serious note, hand me downs are OK, but sometimes it can be really embarrassing so great care must be taken. My own parents were very poor and would often buy my clothes from the Army & Navy Stores where they sold surplus military equipment and I can tell you, it is no fun going to school dressed as a ******* Japanese Admiral.

As you know mate I very rarely complain about your poxy forum and I know that times are hard with not having any tourists and all, but what’s all this discussing drugs that is lowering the tone on here? The other week I thought I had logged onto a ******* crack house by mistake! I did my best to try and follow what was being said, but gave up in the end with all that out of mind stuff they were babbling about. Now don’t get me wrong, there was a time when I used to smoke grass myself, but after moving into the sheltered accommodation we don’t have a lawn anymore so I had to give it up. Mind you after seeing a post by Syph Doctor that had two ******* puppets talking a load of **** to each other in Arabic I really thought someone had spiked my drink, I mean, what the **** was that all about? I want to read the forum mate, not learn ******* Arabic from a puppet! Strap on mate, and they say drugs don’t damage your brain. But to get back on topic, why don’t you get yourself a nice little number on that Luxor Committee? From what I can see they all do it to promote their own business anyway, so why don’t you get in on the act, I mean if that Jane Ashcart can get away with it and she knows **** all about internet web-sites and all that emailing stuff, then in the words of Del boy “the world is your Lobster” I bet she can’t put lots of snowflakes on her webnet like you can, although if she did some twat would probably complain about it. So go for it mate, dip your bread and get on that committee and get all that free advertising that they are snaffling up like little piggies in the trough, you could even host the next meeting in your office and sell drinks and food. For a small fee I would be willing to walk around Luxor with your crabs running down the leg of my shorts (or are they Beatles?) the only thing is that my arse wont be as big as that ******* Tee shirt on the TV interview so you wont get as much publicity out of it, but as they say at Asda, “every little helps” or is that Tesco?

Now finally I don’t want to sound picky, but I see that Stan (god bless him) posted some moon pictures and everyone was ooing and aahing about them, well this may come as a surprise to some of your members, but the moon is about 2,000 miles across so he could hardly ******* miss it could he? Reminded me about my new driving glasses, when I complained that they were not very good and I could not see very far when I was wearing them, the optician took me outside, pointed up and said
“What’s that?”
“The Sun” I said
“Well mate that’s 93 million miles away! Just how far do you expect to see with ******* varifocals?”

I often get confused reading your forums mate and today is no different, I have just seen a post where Grief has now replied in Latin or something, she just said to someone “illi fat mat” which at a guess means “silly fat twat” in English, it’s probably just a typo if she was ****** when she posted it, my typing usually goes tit’s up after a few bevvies. Well mate I have wasted enough of my time in writing to you and generally giving you the benefit of my sound advice on how your forum should be run, so for now I will wish you a Happy New Year, oh by the way, if I were to visit this year can you put me up for free saying as how you aren’t renting your flats out because of the downturn and they would be empty anyway? and what do you think about me maybe organising a members **** up for visiting and resident members while I’m there? Do you think that anyone would turn up?

Regards as usual
I P Freely

PS What right minded person would name an ice cream parlour Wankies?

[JOJO]

:oo you are so naughty Mr. IP Freely. I cannot see the screen through the tears !

[Subversion]

:oo you are so naughty Mr. IP Freely. I cannot see the screen through the tears !

thinks this post should have been moderated for the benefit of us ladies who are at an age where you have to think before you laugh! Just about made it to the bathroom!

Thank you IP Freely - and a Happy New Year!

S x

[Kim]

great, a lovely way to start my day, have to keep wiping the tears off my glasses im laughing soo much

[A-Four]

Its fantastic to see a good class-act on here,.................................... a rare thing these days.

[Glyphdoctor]

I just got a message from Syphdoctor that she asked me to post. It seems she has some more advice on fashion and culture. Here's the message:

Flags are normally draped over (dead) bodies during military funerals. As much as you might hope to die an Egyptian martyr and therefore drape a flag over your body and walk around in the streets in hope that some of your former best friends in the MB might use you for target practice, chances of you being called a martyr and being afforded a full Egyptian military funeral with the governor in attendance are small. Because after you are dead, you aren't really useful anymore at spreading his news for him and in fact you will really **** up his attempts to get British tourists back to Egypt.

If your goal is a bit more this worldly, in that you wear the flag in hopes of using it as part of your flirting with soldiers in tanks on the street in the hopes one will ask you to marry him so that you can get Egyptian citizenship, you have to be really dense to not recall that the military does not allow enlisted soldiers and officers to marry foreigners. Now every middle aged European woman who has ever fallen for a soldier and there are many of them really believes he loves her, it is a known way of getting out of army duty.

Also by the way, see through flag fabric is inappropriate. Don't be so cheap and put together your flag tent from cheap gauze imported from China. Get some real Egyptian cotton and support the economy. Making an Egyptian flag out of Chinese junk is not very patriotic, but then we don't expect Egyptian patriotism from British women, so maybe it isn't that big a sin after all.

[A-Four]

......................Seems I spoke too soon,..................

[Dusak]

Having had one of the worst starts to a new year in the memory of man, now happily sorted out, at least I know that the smile on my face is warranted after reading this. Who knows, perhaps one day Ippy will construct without the profanities as all those ******* asterisk's are sending me cross eyed.

[carrie]

Thank goodness for someone with a sense of humour, more please I.P.

[DJKeefy]

all those ******* asterisk's are sending me cross eyed.

You can turn the word censor off in your User Control Panel Dusak

Click this link ucp.php?i=prefs&mode=view

[Luxoritis]

Well that is the best post I have ever seen on here As for the p.s. bit ha ha ha

[Bombay]

Its fantastic to see a good class-act on here,.................................... a rare thing these days.

Yes extremely

[Dusak]

all those ******* asterisk's are sending me cross eyed.

You can turn the word censor off in your User Control Panel Dusak

Click this link ucp.php?i=prefs&mode=view

Yes, I know that Keefy, but then I would have to read all those naughty words and its a well know fact that I'm of a delicate disposition.