Secrets revealed.

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Dusak
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Secrets revealed.

Post by Dusak »

Secret tape recording made at the new Luxor committee members acceptance interviews.

''Next! Please step forwards to the table and state your name and qualifications. You have ten minutes to convince us that you are the type of person that we, Luxor and all of God's creatures dwelling here are looking for to join us on the committee. Your time starts now.''

''Hiya. Well, my name is Tiffany, but you can call me Tiff. I've lived in Luxor for twelve years and already know it all. You know, about the problems people have here cos I'm a good listener. I come from the Sarf 'end of England and I'm a young sixty four. I have extensive knowledge in customer relations, design and printing, yeah, wholesale management and book keeping. Also I know a lot about animals. I also have three certificates of excellence.''

''Wow. Get Tiff a chair Doris. I think that we would be in order extending Tiffs preliminary talk. She sounds just the type we are looking for. So, how did you acquire so many notches on your belt Tiff?''

''Well, one day yeah, I was on the internet and someone mentioned a new diet, you only eat dog biscuits so I gave it a go and every week I have to put a new notch in my belt...

''I meant how did you gain so much experience.''

''Oh, yeah, I see. Well I ran my fathers pet store. So I was in charge of the customers and as I was the only one there, that made me manager. Lots of the family’s relations came in, you know, to support the business yeah. I also did the books every month cos I was always good at maths at school. Plus I did all the re-orders.''

''So what about these certificates that you hold?''

''Well, the first one was for coming the top of my class at school in singing. I went for an audition last year for Arabs got talent but they turned me away cos I'm not Arab. Right argument I had. Told 'em that I'd lived in Egypt for twelve years. I mean, how long do you have to live here to become an Arab I said. In any case, they all know more English than I know Arabic so what’s the problem I said, yeah. They just don't get it do they? Anyway, the second one was for the hundred meters bean bag race at my secondary school. Won that every year cos of me long legs.''

The last one was for coming top in the life saving classes. Some said that it was because Mr. Frobisher, our PE teacher, used to let me practice all the techniques on him after school swimming lessons. They were just jealous I reckon. They didn't realise how hard it was sitting on top of him trying to restart his heart after his pretend drowning. I was a good swimmer though. Pops learnt me when I was four. He had a team of donkeys at the beach yeah, for the holiday makers to ride on. Pops was me grandfather but we all called him pops cos in the winter he used to blow snot bubbles from his nostrils that used to go pop when they got too big. Anyway, when I was about nine Pops bought me a new swimming costume for me birthday yeah, cos then me mum and dad was poor. Pops had been over to France for the day for cheep booze yeah, so treated me to the latest fashion swimwear, a thong twin set in bright yellow. It where lovely.

Now Pops was a good business man yeah, so he had this idea of how to make more money from the donkey business. He told me that all old men dream of a second childhood and the things that they used to do, yeah. And riding donkeys was one of them but at their age they would probably be frightened of falling off, yeah. So he said that I could ride on the front of the donkey and they could sit behind me for support. It turned out to be a good idea as soon he had a long queue waiting to get on the donkey behind me. Didn't say anything at the time as Pops said that I was providing an important service for the old persons community and they got very little pleasure out of life as it was, yeah, but I could feel the donkey shaking as Pops lead them along the beach they must have been so nervous of falling off and they slavered a lot yeah. I could feel it running down my back.''

''Sorry to interrupt, but were dose the bean bag come into it?''

''Oh, right. Well, you had to keep the bag tightly gripped between your legs, yeah, while you legged it. Mine were like a pair of pliers, what with hanging onto the donkeys. Lads at school used to tease me and call me thorough grip.''

Anyway I did that till I was sixteen when one day Pops decided to take a different direction over the beach and he and the donkey disappeared in some quicksand or so me dad told me. Glad really as my left side was always covered in bruises were they used to hang on as we trotted along. Dad wasn't to happy when he saw them and I told him how I got them. Kept shouting over me shoulder to use both hands to hold on with but they said one was doing the job. Anyway dad got all Pops money so opened the pet shop.''

''You mentioned that you had experience in advertising and printing?''

''Yeah, when I was at the pet shop I decided that the place needed to be promoted better, yeah, since the big chemical explosion at the local factory killed most of the cats and dogs with the fumes so I placed an add in the shop window to encourage new customers, yeah. It said Feeling ''Frisky?'' Is your pussy as healthy as mine? Would you like to ''Win-A-Lot'' in our free draw. You could go out feeling like the dogs ******** if you guess which of my bags have ''Whiskers.'' It was a play on words you see, yeah. Names of pet foods, but the council didn't see the funny side for some reason, perhaps because I'd left the word like out. Problem with some folk, they see the words but put their own interpretation to them. Any-ways, I sold up and came here to live.'' So I know all about donkeys, and there’s a lot of 'em here, plus hamsters, rabbits, goldfish that sort of thing which I had in the shop. Sold a lot of goldfish back then.''

''So what do you think that you personally could offer the committee Tiff?''

''Well, I can make tea, clean up, answer the phones, yeah, that sort of thing. But I was thinking that I may need a work permit yeah?''

''Oh, we don't bother with those fiddly little things. Besides we are the committee, we are exempt. Not only that we have connections now, if you know what I mean.''

'' Yeah, electric, internet, Wi-fi. That's great news. So I could work at the new night club that you are aiming to open for the tourists then? Did two years of pole dancing in Spain 'till I developed a rash between me legs. They used Dettol on the thing to clean the grease off and it reacted with the chemicals in me spray on tan.''

''How did you know about the night club, its secret until we get the restaurant licence? That information is sealed to this office.''

''Every ones talking about it. Any-ways, I thought it was a pole dancing club.''

''It is, we put down the poles as a rapid fire escape from our hospitality suite upstairs. The fire people were impressed. Especially with all the mirrors to give an all round view so people didn't collide with anyone, as we explained to them.''

''As it happens we now have an opening for head of publicity, considering it is obvious that dear old Doris here couldn't keep her gob shut. You told your husband didn't you Doris?''

''Sorry, but he caught me practising pole dancing on the water pipe in the light well in my bra and thong so I couldn't think of anything else to say only the truth.''

''My God woman your seventy three, if you had slipped you could of broken something, then where would we be? Anyway Tiff, you have the position. You wouldn't have any hot-pants would you?''


Life is your's to do with as you wish- do not let other's try to control it for you. Count Dusak- 1345.

LovelyLadyLux
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Re: Secrets revealed.

Post by LovelyLadyLux »

@Dusak - how come you haven't mentioned Tiff has now been voted to Pres of the Comity?

:dv :dv :))) :))) :dv :dv

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Dusak
Egyptian Pharaoh
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Posts: 5937
Joined: Sun May 11, 2008 2:29 pm
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Re: Secrets revealed.

Post by Dusak »

Tiff is now heading the sub-comity's sub comity. She's grateful that some one found her the right slot. Tiff did have another mishap when she attempted to open a themed restaurant here she was telling me.
Life is your's to do with as you wish- do not let other's try to control it for you. Count Dusak- 1345.

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