To live the life of a British expat

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Dusak
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To live the life of a British expat

Post by Dusak »

A British visitor was stopped by customs at Luxor airport and was asked if he had a criminal record, he replied that he didn’t realise you still had to have one to get in!
Why do they call camels the ships of the desert? Because they're full of Arab semen
Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Egypt? They don't want to wear out the donky.
What is an Egyptian virgin? A girl who can run faster than the men.


The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
The French and Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
Conclusion:
Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English here that kills you.

The British expat protested. ''But Doctor, it's impossible for my wife to be pregnant. I've been working in the UK for the last year - I haven't been back home in all that time.''
''I'm sorry,'' said the doctor, ''but that's what we in the medical profession call an Egyptian grudge pregnancy.''
''What' that?''
''I'm afraid that someone had it in for you.''


While walking along the street, five British tourists see a sign that says "Expats Bar," they go in and order their drinks. The bartender serves them and says, "That will be 4Le"
They can't believe their good luck. They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will be 4Le" This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, "How can you afford to serve beer so cheap?" The bartender replies. ''Well, I'm retired, now living in Luxor and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I won the lottery for £15 million and decided to open this place for real expats. Every drink costs 4Le - wine, spirits, beer all the same."
They notice four British at the end of the bar who haven't ordered anything. They ask, "What's with them?"
The bartender says "Oh, they have businesses along St. Joseph street and other parts of Luxor; they're waiting for happy hour to start.


A poor beggar is sitting by the side of the road. President Morsi's gleaming motorcade sweeps past. Soon afterwards, a plump and ragged man runs by, sweating profusely, clutching an obviously stolen sheep under his arm. A minute later, two policemen come rushing up in pursuit. “Did you see a fat thief come this way?” they ask. “Yes,” replies the beggar, “But you’ll never catch him on foot.”


The new Egyptian highway code.
1. Never pull into a continuous stream of traffic with your eyes open.
2. Slow vehicles should keep to the middle of the road and weave.
3. Fast vehicles should stay in the slow lane or on the pavement.
4. If you are coming from a side road onto the main road, you have the right of way. Do not slow down unless you roll over or hit something.
5. Hand signals should primarily indicate the driver’s mood.
6. Only stop at a red light if the car in front has stopped
7. At a crossroad when turning left, get into the right hand lane.
8. At a crossroad when turning right get into the left-hand lane.
9. If a taxi hits you, you are going too slow.
10. If a police car hits you, you are driving recklessly.
11. If you hit a policeman it's your fault.
12. If you hit an Egyptian its his fault.
13. If you hit an expat, go to the nearest police station and claim your prize.
14. Do not enter spaces narrower than the width of the car, or a taxi narrower than the width of the passenger.
15. It is a serious offence to drive when the horn is not working,
16. The horn operation must be checked at least every 10 metres.
17. You may also be required to have brakes.
18. Dual carriageways are for driving in both directions, whichever side you are on.
19. Do not park on the central reservation, this is reserved for Egyptians whose cars are attached to lampposts.
20. The internal mirror is for the use of the driver only - to comb his hair, look up the skirts of the rear passengers or hang his fluffy camel from.
21. All drivers must comply with the speed limit or some multiple thereof.


Life is your's to do with as you wish- do not let other's try to control it for you. Count Dusak- 1345.
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Brian Yare
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Re: To live the life of a British expat

Post by Brian Yare »

Dusak wrote:They notice four British at the end of the bar who haven't ordered anything. They ask, "What's with them?"
The bartender says "Oh, they have businesses along St. Joseph street and other parts of Luxor; they're waiting for happy hour to start.
:D
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