This, reputably, has been classed as possibly the worst job application form ever received.
Miss A. Tollminsom,
Human Resources Division.
Hayward Logistics Ltd.
Hi Mrs Tollminsum, my name is John 'johnny' Fredricks. I'm seventeen next week and my mate Garry Fairchester gave me this application form to use as he had changed his mind about working for your company.
My mam always drummed it into me that being honest with people is as near as you can get to sainthood, so its a good job you didn't offer him a job as Garry has been known to lift things that aren't his. I see that the job offered is for a packer in your warehouse and any experience in packing would be beneficial to the applicant. I have had a lot of experience in packing. When at school I had two paper rounds, one in the morning and one after school for the evening papers, It took a lot of experience to pack a hundred and fourteen papers into the delivery bag every day except Fridays as Mr Jones never took a paper on Fridays as he got the free local newspaper. There was less papers on the evening run, but my bag was smaller so still had to expertly pack them in without creasing any. I also packed my mam's bags at the supermarket on a Thursday when she cashed the family allowance.
One of the questions asked was ''give an example of how you learned from a mistake in your life.''
I had a very good lesson taught me a few years back. Every Saturday we all have fish and chips with mam's special tins of mushy peas. Its my job to turn the fat on at six pm so by the time me mam gets in from work its ready to start cooking the chips. I also had the job of peeling the spuds for the chips, giving the job of cutting them into chips to our Suzy who is six as I kept cutting my fingers on the sharp knife, She seems to manage OK with only one thumb now. So this could also answer question number six, ''do you think that you are capable of delegation of duties when required.''
This one Saturday I turned the gas on to melt the fat, returning to watch Doctor Who. But me mam had missed the bus so when she came in at seven, the kitchen had burnt down when the chip pan had caught fire. So this was a very important lesson learnt for me as every Saturday until the kitchen was fixed I had to walk to our local chippy which was three miles away, wait for my order and walk all the way back. This meant that every Saturday I missed my Doctor Who.
Question number nine was ''Can you show integrity in the workplace.'' I will be honest again, I had to look up that word first. I think what happened at school one day shows that I have it. I was going onto the school field for cricket when I remembered that I had forgot to bring the wicket stumps so went back to the P.E room. Mr. Kinny our P.E teacher was on the floor on top of Mrs. Coolridge our Geography teacher. She was moaning and Mr. Kinny said that Mrs. Coolridge had fainted just as he walked past the door so was helping her get up. Mrs Coolridge told me never to tell anyone about this as she felt a fool having fainted. So I have never told anyone about it. I think that is integrity.
Another question is ''do you have a criminal background.'' The honest answer is yes. I got detention at school quite a lot for being constantly late for assembly. But now I have a watch with an alarm on so don't worry, I won't be late on the job unless the battery runs out and I don't notice it.
When I told my uncle that I was getting a job with your works, he said that your factory was just behind his house. So I had a brilliant idea for your question about showing initiative after I had found what it meant in uncle Terry's dictionary.
If I look out of uncle Terry's back bedroom window between the two chimneys of the houses at the back of us I can see the roof of your factory. I can see a small building on top with pipes coming out of the roof. So I said to me mam did she think it would help me if you saw what I looked like before offering me the job. She thought that it was a good idea as it put a face to the name. So I took a photo of me at the beach in Margate when I was ten out of me mams album. I chose this one as you can see me from top to toe to show that I have no tattoos as uncle Terry told me that some people find tattoos ugly, especially in the work place and that's why he hasn't had a job in over twenty years as he is covered in them although he does help his mate Colin do a bit of carpet laying. I was thinking that if you went onto the roof of your factory and looked between the chimneys you could see what I looked like. I even went to the photo shop and had it blown up to life-size so you could see me better. I'm only four feet three so what you see is what you get. I don't know who the man is behind me as he walked past just as me mam took the photo, but she says he looks like John Lennon. The mark that looks like a little boat on my shoulder is a birth mark, not a tattoo, but I fell asleep in the sun and our Maggie drew two sails on it with me mams yellow bingo marker for a joke and it wouldn't wash off for three days. So I think that I have shown initiative in doing this.
As for the question about racism and sexism in the workplace I can't answer the first one as I haven't got the job yet so don't know any that work there and as I'm still a virgin, can't answer the second question either.
In the section of have you any questions it was mentioned that the successful applicant will have every opportunity to reach the top in management. So my question is, how long will it take for me to become a manager.
Another section says that all applicants that find a position with your factory will be expected to work set times weekend work when required. Well every Saturday and Sunday I walk Mrs. Blake's three dogs as she has a problem with her back and the dogs, Scally, Gip and Shep are big dogs. Also on a Sunday morning I have just started choir practice, but Father Mulligan says that they could manage without me. So when I told my friend that lives next door to me, Sandra, she told me that she works something called flexi time, she goes working at night time when it suites her, so I would like to do this on weekends.
Miss. A. Tollminsom,
Human Resources Div.
Hayward Logistics Ltd.
For the attention of,
Master John ''Johnny'' Fredricks.
Thank you for your recent application for the position of general packer with Hayward Logistics Ltd. Unfortunately for you it seems that your friend Garry was playing a prank on you as the 'application in by date' for this position expired five years ago. Of course you would have been unaware of this due to the large brown smudge that covers this information. I'm happy to say that our lab technician confirmed it was Soya sauce that caused this so I was quite happy to read your submitted application out of politeness.
I was so amazed with your submission I felt that it needed to be seen by all departments. Quit a few commented that it was nice to see that someone is still using a typewriter for correspondence, one colleague noticing your artistic talent in reproducing a near perfect outline of the British Isles including all its major cities with your liberal use of a white Tip ex eraser. In discussions with my colleagues it was decided that your application, due to the fact that we are at full staffing levels, would be best passed onto our main competitors for their consideration.
I will though, take this opportunity to offer you some advice in your future endeavors of job hunting. Firstly, there is no need to apply what looks like carper staples to the envelope once you have stuck the flap down, some could see it as a negative point in having to use pliers to open the letter. Secondly there is no need to use any of the same on the four corners of the paperwork to prevent any from straying from the envelope. This saves the recipient the time from having to cut the corners off and chance loosing important information thus contained. Although it may have seemed a show of ''initiative'' at the time of placing your life sized photo in your uncle's bedroom window so I could see the 'real you,' it would have been better to just include the photo within the envelope. In my case, as Haywards Logistics Ltd. Operate employment for the disabled it would have been difficult for me to get up three flights of stairs in my wheelchair, not that you would of know this at the time. I wish you luck with our competitors, please exercise patience while waiting for any of those firms forwarded your application to reply.
Miss A. Tollminsom [not Tollminsum.]
Dear Miss Tollminsum, Me mam says it doesn't do to look too pushy, but as I'm now twenty three I was wondering if you knew how long it will take for those other firms you sent my application to to answer.
John ''Johnny'' Fredrickson.
PS. I made a mistake in my first letter. I said I was only four feet two inches in the photo, which is true, but that was when I was ten, I'm now five feet tall, so if you could let the other firms know it may stand in my favour.
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