I.P. Freely (May 2017)

[DJKeefy]

Hello Klefty me old mate its me again, what you been up too in gods country since the gypo’s kicked you out? hope you got yourself a job and not ******* scrounging of the state like some of them exprats we here about on here. Just got back of me holidays and catching up on a few things, those basterds down the dole wanted to stop my money because I’ve bin out of the country for 2 weeks the cheeky twats.
But more to the point what is going on with all these ungrateful ******* on here? You work your ******** off and for what? To keep a bunch of moaning ******* from being bored stiff, most of them have **** all else to do all day but moan.

That poor twat Torus is running about like a headless parrot trying to keep everyone happy and banning people, I see he sorted that STD woman out, mind you she was a ******* Jock like that Knickerless Surgeon and did sweet **** all at work, you can just imagine her too ******* busy reading your web bot in works time and then boiling some blokes prick instead of pricking his boil because she was not concentrating enough, it wouldn’t surprise me if it aint her that infected all them NHS computers with a ******* virus especially after handling all those knobs all day.

Its a good job we are getting out of the ELO before they send any more ******* foreigners here, not that I’m racialist in any way, in fact I am very tollerant of muslins, I just aren’t keen on Jocks, Micks, Krauts, Frogs, Wops or any variety of Dago and don’t get me going about the ******* Welsh they sound like they are clearing their throat when they speak that lingo of theirs, I went to Wales once and it was closed. Them Jocks are just as bad, everywhere else in the world singing how ******* good it is in Scotland, the sooner they **** *** the better then we can trade with the rest of the world in peace love and harmony.
Mind you that Newcastle bloke is all for staying in, he sounds like a ******* lawyer when he goes on at Torus about everybody who voted to leave being a bit thick, who is he calling thick, I can do the Sun cross word in under an hour mate and I aint that thick to be living in a ******* war zone like him.

I see that Hepzebra is back as a Terminator, I bet that Torus was tits off getting all the flack while you sat on your fat arse, so you gave him some help. Mind you every time she says something sensible that little twat M6 jumps in, is he sulking by the way? I notice since he lost his PMT service he has ****** off, but you know what they say, be grateful for small mercies. It was like reading ******* Mystic Meg with all his previous predictions that he keeps refering back to “you may remember that just after the old king died, I wrote a piece on here” Oh for ***** sake he could bore for England, no wonder he was only a ******* road sweeper, I bet he only used his PM thingy to talk about you behind your back and stir the ****, him and his mates are too ******* tight to pay for an emale web thing and use yours for free to talk to each other, I would charge the twats it’s your phone bill they are running up mate.

And what have you done to Dr No? Has he ****** off in a sulk as well? Maybe they had heavy rains and his mud hut has melted and run into that swamp he lives next to, is that why he has a ******* big concrete gate post sticking up so they know where to dig like with an alavanche? More likely though, is that with all of those ******* criminals he has on holiday at his place the fuzz have cottoned onto him and he is lieing low to avoid having his vista cancelled and him being departed by the police.

I also see you managed to flog Mint Imperials pile of crap to some unsuspecting buyer, no doubt you made more money out of it than he ever did after that Dutch bird shafted him, (I was once shafted by a Dutch bird in Hamster Dam) but for a copper he was a right dozy twat. And what a basterd killing his dog with a lump of wood then blaming Ken at Douche Bags pussy palace for doing it, no wonder he fled to Cyprus to escape the law.
I suppose that now he has been banned from going to Alaska and that is why he has to stay where he is because they won’t let him in now, they love dogs in Alaska and use them to pull sleges you know. He must be really ******* bored because he keeps on chipping in and telling everyone how **** it is in Egypt, I bet his neighbours were standing on the banks of the Nile and waving flags when he ****** off, mind you mate if I had been screwed out of as much money as him I would be ****** of with the place as well.
I can’t wait to read his web net thing with all this exposing himself and others who have crossed him, lets just hope he lerns how to spell and use grammer properly like what I does or people will just think he is as thick as pig **** and take the **** out of him.

Anyway mate I have to go now to cash my giro, have booked a week in Benidorm all inclusive as I need a holiday after reading all the crap on here, by the way Egypt must be getting pretty ******* desperate mate, I see on the telly they are now trying to flog some sort of chocolates made by Pharaoh Roche whoever he is.

Take care,
your bestest mate ever, I.P. Freely

[HEPZIBAH]

Welcome back I.P. Freely. You have been missed for some time and your post today is like a breath of fresh air (even with the excessive use of *'s - hope you get your keyboard mended before your next message to us/about us all).

[Mad Dilys]

Classic IP Freely

Please don't leave it so long next time, or are you writing a book - I hope!

[A-Four]

I am most grateful, if not almost astounded that I should get a mention, though, if I may say so belated, in your above most recent dispatch, especially when it's from such an illustrious celebrity as yourself.

I was recently chatting with an old Chinesse writer friend, you may know him, he wrote the very famous book, Hit Big Fan by Mr. Hu Flung Pu, he wondered if I would ask you if your cantankerous, sanctimonious ulter ego was still in the taxi business. .